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Savoring Victory, Licking Wounds, Raising Funds

Posted: Dec 2nd 2012 By: CMBurnham

First things first: I won the Season's Beatings wrestling match last week.

Team Schlenk, however, did not fare so well. You see, I won after I defected and clotheslined my own teammate because he was a severe jerkface. I was not doing so well one-on-one with Dory Funk, Jr. ? who is, in my defense, a WWE Hall of Famer ? so when my teammate Brian ?Hot Shot? Davis continued to talk trash, I decided I had nothing to lose. I took the punk out, and the next thing I knew a referee called The Claw was holding up my hand in victory.

Funk then grabbed my other hand and held it up, which was a little alarming since he was trying to break my arm moments earlier. But there we were ? Funk, The Claw and me ? looking like some dazed, dysfunctional family trying to do the wave amid sweaty, growling people in shiny shorts.

This was my debut ? and my curtain call ? in professional wrestling. It was a charity match for the Marion County Literacy Council. My friends and family cheered me on wildly during the eight-man match, and my foes (I'm looking at you Ocala attorney Rick Perry) booed me with equal vigor.

I sincerely was dazed and confused when The Claw thrust my hand into the air. After being hit and tossed and stomped, when a professional wrestler grabs your arm amid chaos, you do not expect happiness.

Beyond the victory, we raised a major chunk of change for the Literacy Council. This is an amazing nonprofit group that teaches Marion County adults how to read and encourages community members to kiss a horse. More on that in a minute.

Right now, I am still swimming in testosterone. I escaped with only a gnarly bruise on my right elbow. To be sure, I was sore; Funk flung me around quite a bit.

So how and why did this all go down?

The Marion County Literacy Council asked me to participate in its annual Kiss A Horse for Literacy campaign. Each year, MCLC rounds up locals and challenges them to raise money for the cause. The one who earns the most money gets to kiss a horse. I am assuming on the front end.

MCLC encouraged us to think of creative fundraisers, and I immediately thought of Dory Funk Jr., who runs a wrestling academy here in Ocala. Wouldn't it be a hoot, I thought, if the puny newspaper columnist danced around with a wrestling legend? It would be like the famed stunt between comic Andy Kaufman and wrestler Jerry Lawler, but with fewer neck braces.

I pitched the idea to the Funks, who graciously ran with it on one condition: I would REALLY wrestle. They did not want Schlenko the Clown clucking around their ring. Nope. I if was going to challenge Dory Funk Jr. in HIS house, then I would do it properly. So I trained, learning how to clothesline and, more importantly, survive back elbows and headlocks and the business end of gravity.

I learned many things during my brief professional wrestling career. (1) Make sure your drawstring shorts are tied tightly. (2) Don't wear children's skateboarding elbow pads in the ring (good call, Claw). (3) Do not underestimate Dory Funk Jr. And, (4), soak up the glory. Seriously. This was a black-and-blue blast.

The Kiss the Horse campaign culminates in a family festival from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday at MIKOSZ Show Horses and BG Farms in Ocala. Here, the other candidates and I will make our final fundraising efforts. I plan to raise more money for my campaign, but if someone else ends up kissing a horse, I'm cool with that.

Turns out, I'm a fighter not a lover.