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The Least Intimidating Professional Wrestlers Of All Time

Posted: Feb 18th 2010 By: mikeiles

The idea of professional wrestling has always been a silly one: Steroid fueled morons pretend to hurt one another and in between there are feuds, story lines, and trash talking straight out of a soap opera of the worst order. However, there was a time when it was a little more innocent. These guys have never been role models, but when the misogynist troglodytes are swilling beer and giving the finger on their way to the ring, something has gone horribly wrong.

There was a time during the late 1980s and early 1990s where the characters were perfectly harmless, but sometimes they were downright silly and not the least bit intimidating. This list is dedicated to the athletes who portrayed the least intimidating wrestlers of their day. We at Starpulse urge the WWE to return to a more wholesome vibe, but please, please don?t ever get this stupid again.

10) Mr. Perfect

This snide looking, blond, curly mulletted fella in a unitard was supposed to be the perfect wrestler in terms of his execution, according to the bad guy announcers, but it was clear that his ?Perfect Plex? and everything else he was doing was no more perfect than the maneuvers everyone else was performing. He became even less intimidating when he lost his perfect record, and given that his shtick was no longer valid, it?s surprising this character didn?t fall off the face of the earth not long after.

9) Rick ?The Model? Martel

Old Rick constantly talked about how pretty he was, and he even came out with his own fragrance called, appropriately, Arrogance, which he would spray on himself and opponents out of what looked to be an old fashioned device used to spray weeds. It?s not that he wanted his foes to be sweeter smelling; he aimed to blind them with it, which he often did. One wonders why the referees continued to let him keep the stuff ringside, but those boys didn?t seems to have policies against dangerous snakes, billy clubs, or garden shears, so he was perfectly fine bringing along his blinding cologne night after night.

8) The Genius

He wore a cap and gown from a graduation ceremony, and that was supposed to be intimidating, how? Because so few other wrestlers graduated from anything, I suppose.

7) Dusty Rhodes

He was an old, morbidly obese wrestler with a Southern lisp in a highly unflattering black unitard with yellow spots. At roughly six feet and 300 pounds of blubber, he didn?t look the least bit intimidating, but he did, however, look like a giant game of twister.

6) The Red Rooster

Sometimes when these guys oiled themselves up, had a loose theme like an American Indian (or a big, stupid bird in this case) their appearance strayed away from that of a wrestler, and veered into male stripper territory.

5) The Honky Tonk Man

He was an Elvis impersonator with a beer belly. In fact, he had very little muscle definition anywhere. I suppose his body type made him perfect for modeling himself after the fat 1970?s Elvis, which he did, with his glittery jumpsuits and pelvis maneuvers. He had a guitar, which he?d fake playing during his theme song, but mostly he?d smash it over his opponents? heads. As obnoxious as he was, it was his stupid name itself that would really anger people. Just hearing his name over the PA was enough to make you mad as a kid, and that?s why he was such an effective bad guy.

4) Doink the Clown

In a genre with guys named cool things like Brett ?Hitman? Hart and The Widowmaker, this guy had some cojones entering the ring in a clown suit, playing pranks on other guys, and calling himself Doink the flipping Clown. Maybe if he played a John Wayne Gacy angle . . .

3) IRS (Irwin R. Schyster)

He was a buff accountant from the IRS with a tie, suspenders, and a mullet with only two goals: bring down those not doing their taxes and beat up other wrestlers. It?s hard to believe that this guy existed, but sadly, he did. The idea behind the bad guy wrestler is to hone in on what people hate. The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff milked this for all it was worth, teaming up as a tag team simply banking on the fact that they would be hated for being from countries Americans didn?t like at the time (Iran and The Soviet Union, respectively). Mr. Schyster was assuming people would hate him because people hated to pay their taxes, but in actuality, people hated him because he was an idiot.

2) Adorable Adrian Adonis

Here is a one sentence explanation of how there was nothing tough about this dude: He was very effeminate wrestler who hosted a wrestling talk show called The Flower Shop.

1) The Brooklyn Brawler

Some wresters had elaborate robes, makeup, masks, and all kinds of things, but The Brawler simply wore a pair of jeans and a dirty Yankees shirt with holes in it. It?s possible he couldn?t afford a better getup, since he didn?t seem to make a very good living at brawling, considering he never won. Ever. He was the guy that would wrestle every Sunday afternoon and was guaranteed to lose, not unlike how a bunch of white guys called themselves the Washington Generals and got spanked by 60 every night by the Harlem Globetrotters. Starpulse has to give it up to Steve Lombardi because he not only portrayed The Brooklyn Brawler, but he was also Doink the Clown, landing him on our list not once but twice! Steve, wherever you are, whether you?re clowning or brawling, we salute you, sir.

Tags: WWE, Genius, Dusty Rhodes, Red Rooster, Honky Tonk Man, Doink the Clown, Nikolai Volkoff