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SRPW Hot Hot Hot Review

Posted: May 24th 2013 By: CMBurnham

Wooooooooooooo!!
So it's my second 'official' review for SRPW (I done got me a column at Oklafan.com suckers) so I'll attempt to watch my language, but no guarantees.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

* Holy crap! This place is PACKED. As in literally standing room only. If SRPW can do this with word of mouth (and my awesome write ups) image what a few flyers or something could do. Then again I doubt you could have fit any more people inside the Main Event center last night. Unless they're midgets. You could maybe squeeze like 3 midgets in there. Oh yeah, the review.
* Things are off to a great start as the woefully inept sound kid from the past two shows has been banished and to my shock Burnham is now rockin' the sound system!! Maybe it's best as he can't be within 100 feet of children (or so I've heard) but he does a great job and I think he should get a cool DJ handle. Maybe DJ Burn 'Em? Hmmm. Maybe not.
* That Handsome Devil is starting us off. I love this guy and his goofy ass gimmick. Plus he's a pretty solid worker in the ring. I wonder who he's....OH GAH. It's Brandon Groom. Or is it? He's sporting blond hair. I have to say, it looks...Like a wig. But is it REALLY Groom? He simply doesn't look the same at all. Oh wait, Chris Masters pose, Lame entrance music, Scott Steiner Push Ups in the ring and a refusal to lose. Yup it's him. Groom wins and poor Devil eats another loss. Oh on a funny side note, Groom attacks The Devil after the match. Hmmmmm not very Christian of you sir.
* The Syndicate take on Crossfire Morrison & Kobra Kai next and although I can't put my finger on it....One of the Syndicate boys looks different than he usually does. Maybe he too did something with his hair. Oh, it's Tyson James? Awkward. Anyway things get off to a AWKWARD start as Tyson totally and completely flubs an armdrag. Hey I can't do an armdrag either but these guys are trained professionals, or so Bishop tells us. Anyway it was embarrassing I'm sure but to his credit Tyson shakes it off and the two teams out on a solid tag match. Actually Tyson shows a great deal of talent in there, hope he makes it back soon. Crossfire on the other hand spent 75% of the match holding his crotch for no apparent reason. Hey it's his junk, who am I to judge. Anyway because Crossfire was teamed with a masked man, his team loses.

* Oh HAI it's B Arthur and Jake! They have a title no so subtly hidden in a sheet and I actually think that Jake will be awarded like so new title or something. Shocker! It's the SRPW Womens Title (yeah I forgot about it too) and Arthur not only vacates the belt BUT names himself the new Chicks champ continuing a proud tradition of dudes holding the womens title (I'm looking at you Man Servant!) Arthur is dressed to fight and calls out Shane Cortez and US Champ Cody Burns. Real quick tangent - if there was EVER a guy who needed to be a heel, it would be Cody. He's only half heartedly shakes hands and looks at disgust towards the fans (rightfully so, they're hillbillies) and Plus him turning on his pops? Drama baby! Oh anyway, so Arthur says that they'll have to face someone and whoever loses MUST leave SRPW. Then the ref blows it but showing us all the title tipping us off that it'll be...
* Cody vs Shane Cortez for the US Title! Now I know both of these cats can go and I'm expecting what SHOULD be a ROH strong style match...And I don't get it. Maybe mutual respect? Maybe they didn't want to hurt each other? Or maybe the match just kinda wasn't there. After two solid matches we get stuck with a predictable and joyless match. Oh well. Cody retains the belt and Cortez goes back to Dennys. Now get my Moons over my Hammy sucker!
* The duo of Arthur and Jake stick around as the CIA come out and beat the fat off of The Artist Formally Known as CM Chunk. It takes like 4 guys to beat him. Seriously. Oh well, I will admit that Jakes commentary has really grown on me.
* Oh what the? The Fireman dude is back. Ugh. Bring back Groom. He's facing Hado, a masked man who up until this match could have had a nice career. But now he has to bounce around for the fireman (who gets winded WAY to easy BTW) and then gets his ass handed to him by Keebler the Hotdog Man. Geez, tough night at the office for sure.
* Roberto Romero vs Matt Majestic is up next and they bust their collective asses giving us a great match. Romero switches more than the Big Show HOWEVER I have noticed that when he has his 'fro, he's on the side of evil. Shaved head = good guy. Keep that in mind. Anyway A lot of out of the closet Matt Fans (me included) cheer on Majestic but he comes up short in a fun match. I'd love to see a tag team of Psycho Sawyer and Matt. A nod to the old World Class beauty and the Beast.
* Jake O'Brien whoops Talon Meyers for at least the 2nd straight time. The hillbillies in the crowd actually come up with a great chant of 'Girl on Girl' during this match. Oh white trash, you slay me. Jake beats the scantily clad and mogoloid looking Talon with a Tombstone. Their first match ended when Jake won with a piledriver. So basically something about Talon makes Jake want to drop him on his head. I can get behind that.
* Main Event Time! It's a Jalapeno Death Whipping Lumberjack Match! It's also a 'double jeopardy' match as Ray Martinez SRPW Heavyweight Title and the Tag belts held by Bobby Burns and Sawyer are all on the line! Oh and the six pack athlete Sam Stackhouse, the most giften 'big man' around is on their team as well. Oh what? Luc isn't here? Aw man. Well Ray has Tommy. For what that's worth I suppose. However not to be outnumbered The Pink Nation (A great bunch of guys BTW) had attacked Sawyer earlier in the week leaving him also unable to compete. Oh sure they didn't come out and say that but I suspect they're covering up. They (being SRPW) want to keep down the man. Anyway from a six man to now a tag match let's get this bitch going! Standard tag match, however if you fall out of the ring, the lumberjacks are MORE than happy to whip you with belts until you eat a hot pepper. I would lose this kind of match inside of a minute as I can't eat hot peppers. At one point Sam Stackhouse takes nasty spill and from where I was sitting it looked like his ribs cracked against the ring steps. Of course he then took a hellacious whipping that left marks on his back that Chris Brown would be proud of. Everyone takes a turn (or more) getting whipped and eating peppers although Ray shrugged it off like the BOSS he is. The end comes abruptly as Tommy pins Burns allowing the Pink Nation to win the Tag Team Belts!! I suspect that the pacemaker on Burns gave out or something. Anyway, now I'm really glad I renounced my whiteness and joined the Nation as they have the SRPW Heavyweight AND the Tag Titles!!
* Great show, probably one of the best I've seen in ages actually.
* An unintentional moment of awesome happened during the Arthur / Jake promo has the new Womans Champ accidentally crotched Jake on the middle rope. Whoops. Sorry Jake, here's some ice for you man parts.
* Again, solid show, fun (if frightening looking) crowd and if you're not coming to SRPW events YOU are missing out.

Brian Se