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Missy's Manor: Not Rated Pro Wrestling DVD Review Part Deux

Posted: Aug 19th 2008 By: CMBurnham

I'm back with the final installment of the 'Not Rated Pro Wrestling DVD Review' [unless they send me more DVD's to review]. This is the wrestling promotion that answers the age old question of what would happens if Pro Wrestling & Porn collide? The answer is this cluster f*ck of a DVD. Keep in mind that this DVD is intended for a mature audience of 18 and older. I will only review the wrestling content. "Big Dave" will be giving star ratings to the adult scenes on a later date, unless a "Full Contact-No Rules-Midget Pit Fighting" show distracts him from covering something that is slightly wrestling related.

The DVD opens up with a Craig Valentine promo. Craig is the lead baby face of the 'New Porn Order' faction and the owner of this promotion. He shows us the stitches he received from Evan Stone at the previous show. He than brags about how Evan thinks he's a big star, but yet he shags a girl who never heard of him. Craig than shows a video of Evan picking up a girl and putting her in the "tilt of the whirl" for twenty minutes. For some reason Craig thinks its hilarious that the girl didn't mark out to Evan.

We than cut to Evan picking up the girl. She never heard of "The Prince Of Porn' and is not marking out that he was in over 2000 films. Great pick up lines in advertising your a porn star. That's equivalent to a wrestler picking up a girl in their officially licensed WWE or TNA T-shirt. Did I mention Evan is now showing off his Evan Stone Production shirt. The girls asks Evan if he knows Ron Jeremy. Most wrestling fans would immediately recognize Ron as the "Hedge Hog". I now recognize Ron Jeremy as the worst wrestling announcer.

I can't believe I'm still watching more dialogue by Evan & this girl. Evan than shows off "The People's Strudel". She doesn't sell for it. Evan now has to throw out the "I Know Ron Jeremy" pick up line to finally give her the "Twist Of Fate". Boom Chica Bow Wow! I don't recall back in the day that Dusty Rhodes showed Ric Flair "Space Mountain" videos in order to embarrass him.

Craig Valentine comes to the ring with a sweet mullet and Zubaz pants. All he needs is a fanny pack and he would be dressed up like every wrestler in the late '80's -early '90's. Craig brings XXX star, Dale Dabone to the ring. Craig starts dictating that he would be the bell ringer, bathroom cleaner, and break down the ring. Dabone goes off on Craig about his wrestling title. Dabone mentions how Craig never beat anybody for the belt. Apparently Dabone knows nothing about the biz. If you have enough $$$$ and own the promotion, you can than book yourself as champion, top star, etc. Dabone is being punished by being the ring announcer.

Billy Blade VS. Romeo: Blade comes to the ring with Abbuda Dein with his snake. Romeo comes to the ring with Keylani Lee. Ron Jeremy starts pondering titles for interracial gay movies. Ughh! I just want to watch wrestling. Ron is going off with his crappy jokes. Mike Adamle is so needed for once as a announcer. The wrestlers exchange rest holds. Blade uses a few cool kicks. This match got no flow or psychology. Ron Jeremy ponders if the wrestlers get hurt. Abbuda Dein hits Romeo with a kendo stick. This leads to Billy Blade hitting Romeo with a neck breaker for the pin. Blade & Abbuda than place their snake [get your mind out of the gutter] on to Romeo and Keylani. Ron mentions how Romeo still gets the girl, but Blade just gets a man with a snake. What a disturbing comment.

Richard Fitchwell Promo: Fitchwell tells how he will beat Mr. Montana, since Montana lacks confidence. Fitchwell is a motivational speaker. Great gimmick, considering the theory that girls get in to porn for lack of self esteem.

Richard Fitchwell VS. Mr. Montana: Montana comes to the ring with a unnamed girl. Montana looks like the low budget version of Johnny Webb [XPW Icon]. They exchange arm bars, wrist locks, hip tosses, etc. Too bad Ron Jeremy is telling us that he can direct the wrestlers in a gay porno [I'm serious]. Fitchwell hits a spine buster. The announcers have no clue about the girl's name. Ron Jeremy is constantly asking what every move is called. This match is nothing but punches. Fitchwell wins with a downward spiral.

Keylani Lee & Lee Stone run into each other in the locker room. They ponder what each one is doing in Not Rated Pro Wrestling. I'm guessing either porn or wrestling. Duh! Apparently the wrestlers and porn stars stay in separate locker areas. That's how it was done back when I worked for Bill Watts. I'm joking. The porn stars ponder if the wrestlers are scared of being sexually attacked or catching diseases from the porn stars. I'm serious that they are discussing this in the segment. Apparently Lee Stone's wrestling role model is Buff Bagwell. He's complaining how Buff gets driven in a limo & he's driven in the back of a pick up truck. I guess the porn stars have to pay dues in order to work with the wrestlers. Lee Stone drops the "Swanton Bomb" on Keylani. After Stone finishes, he realizes he got a segment in the ring. Keylani is left with "Mamba Jamba Juice", so she can't accompany Lee Stone to the ring [cheap JBL product placement plug].

Commisioner Mary Carey [Celebrity Rehab Alumni] announces a womens match. Stone mentions how he wants to get involved in the womens division.

Annie Social [WSU Superstar] VS. N.Y. Knock Out Nikki
Ron Jeremy mentions how the winner gets Jenna Jameson for the weekend. I wonder if Tito Ortiz is aware of the stipulation? Ron Jeremy maked lewed comments about Annie. The match is more notable for Annie's cleavage shots. This has been the best wrestling match on the show so far. Annie is trying to have a actual wrestling match, despite the other hardcore antics that this promotion is known for. Nikki is green, but at least she's trying. Nikki wins with a sloppy tomb stone pile driver. Annie didn't get protected very well on the move.

Dale Dabone interviews ATM & Loaded Cash:
Apparently they treated Pablo Marquez like family. Pablo direspected the family by getting Loaded Cash's daughter in to porn. They vow revenge. Loaded Cash still can't cut a convincing promo. This promo is aweful. Dabone did a decent job as a interviewer. Classic line is when Dabone asked ATM if it stood for "A** To Mouth".

Pablo & Matt Bateman VS. ATM & Loaded Cash:
Ron Jeremy defends Pablo getting Loaded Cash's daughter in to porn. Hey, she is over 18! Ron Jeremy is now explaining what the industry term for ATM means. Ughh! The local wrestlers look like wrestling school dropouts. Pablo at least wrestled in Puerto Rico, Mexico, Japan, WWE, & ECW. But even Pablo can't make this match watchable.
ATM beats Bateman with a botched looking Judo takedown. Not much of a grudge match.

Buff Bagwell Promo:
Porn Star Autumn tells Buff that he needs to call up Evan Stone. Buff says he needs to get his protein intake first. Unfortunately this can be the wrong promotion for Buff to be looking to obtain protein at. I truly hope Buff was looking to get his protein provided by Myoplex or Met RX. Buff still looks jacked by the way.

Didn't Buff work for 'Ring Of Glory'? That's one of those religious wrestling promotions where there is a religious theme. Maybe this is a Born Again? VS. Porn Again! feud over morality. Wow! That would be a great inter promotional angle.

Craig Valentine & Vampire Warrior Promo:
Nothing to note

Buff Bagwell with Autumn Sky VS. Vampire Warrior with Craig Valentine
Apparently the back story is Craig Valentine & Evan Stone got in to a fight at a Karaoke bar. Evan Stone sent Buff for revenge. The porn star chic is Evan Stone's sister. Glad to know Buff is grinding and smacking the ass of the sister of Evan Stone. Vampire Warrior is getting heat from the strippers at ringside. I'm glad to hear Ron Jeremy is telling nothing but bad jokes at the expense of every match. Apparently Ron Jeremy doesn't know a chin lock. I sound redundant, but Ron Jeremy should not be announcing. Leave him as a interviewer, ring announcer, or some other function. Vampire & Buff are actually trying to make this a decent match. Buff wins the match with a DDT. Buff is the new 'Not Rated Pro Wrestling Heaveyweight Champion'. I believe the title will be defended at strip clubs all across the country? Vampire is arguing with Craig Valentine. Not the best career choice in arguing with the boss.

You can purchase this DVD at www.notrpw.com and www.newpornorder.com if you are 18 and over. They also sell the 'New Porn Order' T-shirts. I'm sure that shirt will get over very well at the PG Rated WWE shows.

Tags: Missy Hyatt, WWE, TNA, Ric Flair, Bill Watts