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Missy's Manor: The Worst Wrestling Characters From The Rising Sun

Posted: Aug 3rd 2008 By: CMBurnham

Just when you thought I was done reviewing mentally defective wrestling that requires no common sense, I decided to review even more stupified nonsense. Thanks to areacode212, J.R. Benson, Alan4L [after multiple attempts], and Dan Lowth for sending me more crap to review. These video reviews are just destroying my reputation and legacy. These video reviews will be stopping after this article. I have to put my $120 Air Jordan sneaker wearing foot down for once. I'm too "old school" for this crap. Card board boxes, mummies, robots, inanimate objects, apes, etc. were not accepted as wrestlers back in my day. Apparently this article will prove myself completely wrong.

One of the clips was a 10 year old girl choke slamming everbody. Nothing like a bunch of adult male wrestlers selling for a dreaded choke slam by a four foot child. I wouldn't even do the job for this kid. Even my wrestling ego has its limitations.

The other clip had this girl performing frankensteiners, 619, clotheslines, sudmissions, Lucha spots, and more. I don't get it. Apparently the girl's name is 'Prezident Ram' and she works for the 666 promotion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RseGEw0sY1w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PydGT5_RPIg

There is even a clip of this girl against Mecha Mummy. Mecha pulls out the drill attachment and threatens the girl. She starts crying. Mecha turns away. She grabs a super soaker and sprays Mecha. This causes a malfunction. I'm just shaking my head in disbelief. The worst part was watching Mecha use nipple clips on a fat American wrestler on the same link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lw9mV-VAjIw

DDT Heavy Metal Title Defense By A Ladder:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiwhhNWS948&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vT1V614t64&NR=1

Yes, a inadimate object holds the prestigious DDT title. Yes, the wrestlers sell for the ladder. I can't even come up with the logic. The ladder is wrestling against 2 Japanese dudes in Mexican mariachi costumes, a guy dressed up like a Hardy [Mikami], and a bunch of other unidentifiable jabronies [I have no names listed].

Nothing like a bunch of wrestlers trying to pin a ladder. The ladder takes suplexes, chops, highspots, reverses holds, and even bumps. This ladder is a better worker than myself and Great Khali. This ladder rules! The wrestlers even take the ladder in to the crowd and fight with it. This match is so wacky that "Big Dave" should watch it. Maybe WWE can have the ladder win Money In The Bank Match next year at Wrestle Mania? The Hardy-wannabe takes the ladder to the balcony. He pummels the ladder and than throws the ladder on to 2 wrestlers on the arena floor. I wouldn't take that bump. I bet the ladder never complains about slipped discs, cracked vertabraes, and a broken neck. I declare that this ladder is tougher than Kurt Angle.

The wrestlers even sell for the ladder and cower in fear from it. This match defies logic. The Hardy-wannabe even hits the ladder with a swanton bomb. Than a wannabe Dusty wrestler hits the ladder with a bionic elbow. Maybe I change my mind about the ladder. The ladder doesn't sell anything. The ladder even kicked out of a pin attempt by all 4 wrestlers on top of it. The time limit runs out and the champion is still the freakin' ladder. Did I mention the ladder's theme song is "Sky High". Ughhh!

There is even more controversy that follows the ladders sucessful title defense. The female refereee kicks the ladder in the backstage area and it falls to the floor [OMG, the ladder finally sells!]. Than she plants her weiner dog on top of the ladder and counts the pin. New DDT Heavy Metal Champion - a weiner dog. This is where I blew a gasket. I tolerated 4 dudes selling and bumping for a ladder that has more charisma than some wrestlers. But how am I expected to react to a bunch of wrestlers trying to wrestle a dog for the title?

Maybe I should bring my Jack Russell dogs to Japan to get the title. "Hot Stuff" Milo Marinara and "Moondog" Jake Hyatt can beat this dog for the title. I think I lost my mind. I tried to suspend my belief that a inadimate object can outsmart 4 wrestlers and retain its title. Why am I questioning the logic of a weiner dog stealing the title? I really need mental help. Godamn who ever booked this crap!

Ladder VS. Table:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jx3_uqHjP-s&feature=related
The ladder jobs to a table. I found the idea that people showed up for this epic battle amazing. Double amazing is the reaction the table got for beating the ladder.

Stalker Ichikawa VS. Awesome Kong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3w5b4HfhXo
Even I'm shocked that TNA/WSU superstar heel Awesome Kong was relegated to wrestling against a jabronie that came out to the 'Lone Ranger' theme song and had a stuffed pony attached to his trunks. Awesome Kong almost broke character by laughing at this schmuck. Stalker tries using chops. Kong no sells his offense. Than Stalker grabs Kong's BREASTS. Look for a sexual harassment lawsuit to be the result of this match. Kong stiffs Stalker and pins him. Than some geek comes out to join Stalker and "double team" Kong. No, it's not that kind of double team video. They go to a 2 on 1 match against Kong. Kong beats the hell out of both geeks. Unfortunately they couldn't use "the power of the man" against Kong.

Mokujin Ken VS. Mecha Mummy [Chikara]:
*Link Was Taken Down* BUY THE DVD!, BUY THE DVD! Trust me.
This match happened at this years Chikara King Of Trios Tournament weekend. *Note to Quackenbush* Book me with Mecha Mummy next year. Mecha Mummy & Mecha Missy = Mecha DVD Sales!

We all knew we were in trouble when the ring announcer announced that this match was not for the faint of heart. We finally answer the age long question in what happens when a tree meets a mummy.

Words can't do Mokujin Ken any justice. Buy the F'N DVD from Chikara or smartmarkvideo.com. Mecha Mummy comes out with his "Cock Knocking" hand attachment and power drill hand attachment. This match was contested under "Industrial Revolution Street Fight Rules". I bet Kimbo Slice never faught under those rules. Imagine a Mummy from the future punching a card board box with a tree head in slow motion? If you can envision that description, than you got this match. The announcer mentions how Mokujin Ken is the "vengeaful spirit of the forrest". The announcer rules in this match. Mecha launches his "Cock Knocking" fist from the Eagles Nest to Mokujin Ken who is on the floor. This match is hardcore! Unforunately Mecha got too "Ultra Violent" when he impaled the tree with his power drill hand attachment. "Stick a power drill in it, he's done"!

Mecha Mummy VS. American Balloon [an actual Gajin for once]:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1c9y5_american-balloon-vs-mecha-mummy_sport

American Balloon is a fat gringo. His breasts make Abdullah the Butcher and myself [34 Double D's] envious of him. The disturbing part of this match was when American Balloon squeezes his breats together. Than Mecha uses his power drill attachment and it looks like American Balloon is getting T*TTY F*CKED! I can't believe I had to use that term in a wrestling column. American Balloon no sells the drill to the breasts and even no sells the "Cock Knocking" fist to the breasts. I declare that American Balloon is invincible.

This match tapes a epic turn for the worst. Mecha puts on a back pack that has robot looking cones in the front. The "Mecha Back Pack-Robo Breasts Ensemble" shoots some unidentifiable liquid substance in to American Balloon's eyes and incapacitates him. Mecha Wins! Mecha Wins!

Mokujin Ken VS. Survival Tobita:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqW3C-BpL1o&feature=related

This match is the epitomy of "indy-riffic". It takes place in a small gym of thirty people. The group is so indy that they have no ring. That's just a small over sight in separating yourself from being backyard wrestling. When Mokujin Ken makes his entrance, he's swamped by photographers going all paparazzi on him. When you see a gimmick like that live, you need to capture its picture for historical purposes. This glorified card board box with a tree head got the crowd doing a variation of the Bushwhacker wave. The atmosphere looked like a scene from 'Bloodsport', accept nobody faught a killer card board box with arms. Ughh!

I never want to hear how the Japanese wrestling audience is so much more sophisticated than us. It's hard to believe that the freakin' box has been wrestling for over 9 years. This should be a lesson to all wrestling students. It's not what you learn in wrestling school that counts. It's creating a lame-ass gimmick that will get you hardcore-international fame on youtube that matters. I still can't believe the box got booked in the U.S. off of its notoriety on the internet.

The best part of the match is the monster-horror film music that is being played during the match. The box beats the poor jabronie that has to sell for its knock out power. Eventually the box wins via knock out. Perhapts Antonio Inoki is really not insane for being obsessed with MMA fighters getting involved in wrestling?

I remember back in the day when a Japanese wrestler toured the U.S. They had to have potential and have mastered their craft to get booked by U.S. promoters. Apparently I was wrong. All it takes is a card board box to be a international sensation. I can't believe that the card board box has accumulated more frequent flyer miles than most wrestlers. Very disturbing! The business has truly passed me by.

Survival Tobita VS. Apeman Virgon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzASCiOEfdo&feature=related
Tobita is back. After jobbing to a card board box, he finds himself facing his toughest opponent. A dude in a 'Planet Of The Apes Costume'. Total monkey antics by Apeman. I give the wrestler who played Apeman credit. He worked the match with believable ape tactics. Torbita gets the win against the Apeman. Don't tell me how a ape is tougher than a card board box? I bet the card board box can beat the ladder and table. Why can't Dave Meltzer review this crap?

Mecha Mummies VS. Robo Taka Michinoku & Robo Kaz Hayashi [2 Out Of 3 Falls]:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1c9xd_mecha-mummies-vs-michinoku-hayashi_sport

I never want to hear Taka say how degrading it was to be dubbed in English with a fake sinister laugh in WWE. I never want to hear Kaz Hayashi complain about being jobbed out in WCW. You guys are dressed in card board boxes as home made samurai robots.

Robo Taka confuses Mecha #1 by using a broom. Mecha #2 is armed with a Mecha drill gun that he uses on his opponents. When Kaz places Taka on his shoulders, they transform in to their "Robo-Chicken Fighting Stance". They finally dominate Mecha #1. This is until Mecha #1 pulls out his Mecha Drill Attachment and beats his home made-robo-samurai foes. A mecha-robo referee even counts the pin.

Second fall is more wacky goodness. Mecha #2 hits a sloppy moonsault [first time I ever seen a Mecha do a highspot] in to a power drill combination for a near fall. Kaz than misuses a "Cock Knocking" hand attack and it strikes Taka. They have a "malfunction at the junction" and rip off there samurai costumes. They break character! Kaz pulls out the dreaded water and it accidently hits Robo-Refereee. This causes the ref to malfunction [new inter galactic ref bump]. Los Mummies use powder [old school] to score the double pin. Kaz, Taka, & the ref do a whacky robot dance after the match. Maybe I should give up covering wrestling and just cover MMA like everybody else?

Mecha Mummies VS. Kikutaro & Matsuyama
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1m1pn_mecha-mummies-vs-kikutaro-matsuyama_sport

By the time I got to this match, I was beyond sick of watching Mecha. Luckily the match started with wrestling. It was a breath of fresh air from the hand attachments. Kikutaro & Mecha traded some goofy mannerisms. Eventually the heels got heat on the mummies. Eventually the wacky Mecha hand acessories were used. We even got in to dueling hand accesories fight between both teams. I'm so nauseated about ever seeing a hand attachment gimmick ever again. Mecha #2 did his goofy moonsault/power drill combo for a near fall. Mecha #1 wins with a choke on Matsuyama. I need to be medicated after watching a hour of this crap. I'm done.

I want to shut down a recent rumor that I will be starring in the remake of a 'Barbarella' movie with Mecha Mummy.
I am still in negotiations to do a 'Surreal Life' with Mecha Mummy, Mokujin Ken, and the ladder. I'm just kidding

Don't forget to stop by at www.missyhyatt.net for all of your Missy needs. I have tons of new reality videos, backstage videos, photo shoots, and new pictures. You can even order autographed Missy merchandise from my site. I can be booked for wrestling appearances, autograph signings, and all Mecha Missy related functions at missyhyatt@livel.com

"Mokujin" Missy "Ichi Ban" Hyatt
1st. Mecha Lady Of Wrestling
Japanese Wrestling Correspondent
Industrial Revolution Street Fight Champion

Tags: Missy Hyatt, WWE, TNA, Abduallah the Butcher