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The World According To Dutch: Call Me Anything But Don't Call Me That

Posted: Oct 5th 2009 By: CMBurnham

Author's Disclaimer: Here's a quick story that I heard years ago. I never heard a direct date on this story but I am assuming it occurred in the mid 60's or later. How do I know that? I don't but it's my story so shut up and read. The authenticity of this story has never been officially confirmed although I heard it several times during the course of my career and once from Terry Funk himself. Call it truth, call it bullshit but the one thing you can call it is entertaining. Enjoy.

Amarillo was a territory that spawned two NWA World Champions, Dory Funk Jr. and Terry Funk. Their father, Dory Funk Sr., owned and promoted the territory. Personally, I never worked Amarillo because I never had a desire to do so. But I did hear that it was a good place and a FUN place to wrestle.

Dory Funk Sr. was a tough old bastard. Dory Sr. was cut from the same cloth that a lot of the earlier wrestlers were, and that was a hard as nails exterior. Some of his matches were legendary in Amarillo for their brutality and violence. Dory Sr's matches with Cyclone Negro became classics in the territory as these men battled each other for years in all types of matches. Amarillo was a front runner in establishing some of the 'theme' matches that you still see to this day such as the Texas Death Match and the Falls Count Anywhere matches. Dory Sr. was a master technician in the ring and taught both his sons the 'art of the game' early one. In this writer's opinion, Dory Sr. taught them well as both of them went on to become NWA World Champions and later on, became mainstays for the Japanese promotion and traveled back and forth to Japan for years.

Dory Sr. liked his wrestling tough and serious, which is one reason why folks in Amarillo were true believers of the art but he also had a humorous side to him as well. Since Dory Sr. owned and booked the territory, that gave him total creative control over the promotion.

During this time period, he booked a young kid into the territory and decided that he needed this kid to be different. Funk Sr. needed something different for his fan base. The fans were burned out on the cowboys and the Indians. He needed something new, something fresh. So he decided the new kid would be totally different so wanted this kid to be of Aryan descent which meant he would be from Germany. But Dory Sr. didn't stop there. Since the kid was to be from Germany, he made him...what else? A Nazi German. Now only one thing remained. What would be his name. It had to sound German so Dory Sr., after some hard thinking, finally came up with a name. His name was to be...Hans. Yes, he thought Hans was a great German name. What about the last name? Funk Sr., after some serious thinking, finally decided that the new kid's name would be...

Hans von Schitz!!!!

On the new kid's first night in the ring in Amarillo, as he stood in his corner, the ring announcer began his pre-match introductions. In his best announcer voice, the introduction went something like this:

Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is a one fall, pinfall or submission bout with a 15 minute time limit. To the corner to my right, making his first appearance in Amarillo, standing in at 6'1" tall and weighing in at a solid 2 hundred and 37 pounds hailing from Stuttgart, Germany......ladies and gentlemen...HANS von SCHITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hans von Schitz? The fans at first were stunned as they asked themselves 'did the announcer just say Shitz?' On hearing that name, the fans couldn't help themselves. They, in unison, busted out laughing. When the match started, it never really got underway because it could never recover from the laughing that had just preceded it. The match just couldn't deliver a serious tone. Of course, being wrestling fans enabled them to shout all kinds of insults at Herr von Schitz therefore ensuring a recipe for disaster. No matter what he did, he just couldn't get the fans to take him seriously. With a name like von Schitz, all he could elicit were a few catcalls.

This went on for about a week. Herr von Schitz got the same treatment every night. The announcer would introduce young Hans von Schitz and the crowd fell out with laughter.

Finally, this young kid couldn't take it anymore. He knew he was green but it didn't take a Masters Degree in Psycho Babble to figure out what the problem was. The problem stemmed solely from the name that Dory Sr. had saddled him with. He needed a new name other than the one people thought was the 'Schitz.'

Frustrated with himself and needing to find a quick solution to his problem, Herr von Schitz scheduled a special meeting with Dory Funk Sr. to discuss this issue. This problem had to be fixed.

As the young kid sat in Dory Funk Sr's. office, he was as nervous as a whore in church to be having a face to face meeting with Dory Sr. He had gone over in his mind what he would say but still, he was very nervous. He had reassured himself, time and again, that if he could just talk to Mr. Funk and explain the problem, Dory Sr. would see the the reasoning and rationale behind his request and give him another name.

As young Hans von Schitz stepped into old man Funk's office, Dory told the young man to sit down. Dory asked him what was the purpose of the meeting. The young man began to speak.

The kid started off by telling Dory that he loved working there, but he was having a problem with his matches, that had nothing to do with him or his talent. It totally surrounded the name that Dory had given him, von Schitz. He told Dory that that every time his name was announced, the people would start laughing and he couldn't get them to take him seriously. He never got booed and all he was getting was laughs. He requested, as seriously as he could, would it be possible to change his name?

Well Old Dory just laughed and told the kid that it was just a test to begin with. He explained to the young lad that it was a an old wrestling trick to do that to the younger guy to gauge their temperament to the business. Dory Sr. explained that a lot of guys that took the test had failed it and most of them ended up leaving the territory. Dory told young Hans that he was glad that he stayed. Dory told the kid that since he had passed the test, he would change the name. As a matter of fact, Dory Sr. continued, he would changed it tonight at the show which, ironically was in Amarillo, where he was first given the name just a week back.

Young Hans couldn't have been more happier. Now he thought, they would all see what he could do. No more laughing, no more giggling. The young kid asked what name would he have and old Man Funk just laughed and said "let me think on it awhile. But I assure you, you'll like it."

So as the young kid stood in the ring that night, he was curious as to what NEW name Dory Sr. had assigned him. The announcer started his introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is a one fall, pinfall or submission bout with a 15 minute time limit. To the corner to my right, making his second appearance in Amarillo, standing in at 6'1" tall and weighing in at a solid 2 hundred and 37 pounds hailing from Stuttgart, Germany......ladies and gentlemen...HELMUT von SCHITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dory was true to his word. Dory had changed the name from "Hans von Schitz" to "Helmut von Schitz".

The kid left the territory the very next day and was never heard from again.

Is this story true? Maybe and maybe not. But always remember one thing. Never let actual facts and stuff get in the way of a great story. Hollywood learned that years ago. It's called creative embelishment and it works every time.

Dirty Dutch

Next time in The World According to Dutch, I'm going to answer some questions that I have received from readers. I love to do that because I never know what questions I'm going to get. If you have a question, send it to the my email below and maybe I'll answer it too. Just think of The World According to Dutch as the Dear Abby of the wrestling world.

Also for those that asked for personalized autographs, they will soon be made available on this blog. If you're interested, let me know.

Tags: Dutch Mantell, NWA, Ciclon Negro