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Missy's Manor: MMA Edition

Posted: Oct 3rd 2008 By: CMBurnham

This Saturday night is do or die for Ken Shamrock on the Elite XC show on CBS. I'm no MMA expert, but I like to use my unconventional wisdom in determining winners. Hey, I actually was successful in picking Brock Lesnar in winning his last fight. I might actually be on to something and be hired as a Las Vegas Odds Maker. I will use the "Missy Meter" in determining Ken Shamrock's career options if he loses.

Ken Shamrock is risking everything on Saturday night. Time is running out for Ken if he wants to make $$$ in MMA. That's why he keeps taking these massive poundings to the delight of casual MMA fans. Ken needs to find his motivation. Usually that motivation can be fear of the future. Brock won his last fight according to "Missy Logic" to having to continue providing Rena Mero with a lavish life style & to pay child support. This article will explore what Ken needs to fear in order to win.

Chicks Don't Dig Losers:
I'm very sure Jenna Jameson was turned on by Tito Ortiz' success in the octagon, more than his sexual prowess in the bedroom. Tito's defeating of Ken was probably what initially attracted Jenna to Tito I'm very sure foreplay for Jenna is now watching Ken get pounded over and over again on DVD by Tito. Jenna started following Tito to UFC shows after he beat Ken a couple of years ago. The bottom line is nobody goes home with the loser.

Ryan Shamrock would rather stay with Sean Waltman in seedy hotels in the deepest barrios of Mexico for AAA than follow Ken to MMA shows. Ken needs a big win in order to score with the women. Telling women that he's "The Most Dangerous Man" sounds more like a sexual predator than a fighter. Gene Hackman said it best in the 'Replacements' that "Chicks Dig Stars And Glory Lasts Forever". Chicks don't dig a guy who lost his last 5 fights. If Ken wins on Saturday, expect Ken to have a boatload of new women.

Autograph Signings:
Ken's livelihood is a fighter and doing the occasional autograph appearance. If Ken loses, he might have a new career of driving with Virgil all across the country as they try to sell autographs under the 'Meet Wrestling Superstar' banner.
Nobody wants to be the annoying wrestler who scams a table at every convention, wrestling show, or flea market in order to pester fans to buy their autograph.

Wrestling Shows:
The indy wrestling biz in the NY, NJ, & PA area is shot. ROH, JAPW, WSU, NCW, NYWC and a couple other promotions put on decent shows. The majority of most groups consists of ticket sellers working to the delight of their families and friends. Does Ken really want to do 'The Time Honored Tradition" to a jabronie who sold 50 tickets to work with him in the main event? Does Ken want to work on some wacky Japan show against Mecha Mummy under shoot fighting rules? Does Ken want to be paid in warm beer, medicine, and a cold hot dog by some jabronie promoter? Ken needs this win to continue his big six figure pay days.

Bum Fights/Death Matches/Street Fights:
If Ken loses on Saturday, he risks the chance of not getting approved by the athletic commission nationwide. Ken doesn't want to start fighting homeless people on the 'Bum Fights' circuit. Shopping cart of death matches for a chicken dinner at the shelter is not the best career path for any MMA fighter. Fighting in bare knuckle battles in backyards provide limited exposure, unless you are dying to be on youtube. Ken also doesn't want to be reduced to working on death match tournaments held behind a bar. Ken needs this win BIG TIME!

My honest opinion is that the former homeless dude with the big beard will be swinging for the fences and he might connect and KO Ken. I reccomend that Ken should have Iron Sheik in his corner. Iron Sheik screaming for Ken "To Break His Back & Make Him Humble" = buys! I'm personally rooting for Ken. He represents the wrestling biz and I enjoyed him as a wrestler. Plus he probably can kick my ass and I'm more likely to run in to him than Kimbo at a wrestling function!

A win by Ken Shamrock means he can go out as a winner in the MMA business and open up new wrestling opportunities off the notoriety of a big win. We should all be rooting for Ken. With 6-1 odds, we can all clean up big time with Ken. My dogs fall wardrobe is dependant on Ken winning. Go Ken!

I'm sorry to break it to many of my loyal fans, but my columns will be appearing less regulary. I'm filling up some of my spare time doing volunteer work at a animal shelter. I figure that mankind will benefit much better if I provide care and help in getting homeless dogs adopted. I been a foster parent to Russell Rescue for years. Unfortunately N.Y. doesn't have a similar program and I don't have the room to care for over five dogs like I did in Florida. So I'm going to help out at a local animal shelter twice a week. I am truly a humanitarian in helping animals and participating in Wrestle Rescue last month. Don't forget to drop a vote for Missy as "Wrestling Humanitarian Of The Year".

I will be working 10/10 for NWS @ VFW Hall, 321 South Washington Avenue, Bergenfield, NJ. The main event is Angel Orisini VS. Mercedes Martinez which should kick ass.

I will be working for WSU on 10/11 @ Darress Theatre, 615 Main Street, Boonton, NJ. WSU will be having a "Missy Hyatt Memorial Tag Team Wrestling Tournament" to crown WSU Tag Team Champions. I will be presenting the big monopoly check of $1,000,000 to the winning tag team. The check will obviously be provided by the promoter who will be drunk and drinking beer out of the tag team trophy cup. I would suggest cashing the $1,000,000 check before the promoter dissapears with the gate receipts with tales of his family being held hostage, being car jacked at the ATM, running to the bank, getting rolled as he tried buying drugs, blah, blah, blah! I'm just kidding!

Don't forget that I can be booked for wrestling appearances, MMA analysis, autograph signings, etc. at missyhyatt@live.com. Don't forget to stop by at www.missyhyatt.net. You can order new autographed pictures, posters, DVD's, and more. www.missyhyatt.net is updated constantly with new pictures, reality videos, backstage wrestling antics, and more. I also provide live video chats twice a week. This is the ultimate wrestling reality sight.

I want to give a special early Yom Kippur shout out to Paul Heyman, Becky Bayless, "Big Dave", Iron Sheik, & Bill Apter [I declined Bill's invitation to wrestle him under Apartment House wrestling rules].

Tags: Missy Hyatt