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Comparing the BCS Football Teams To Professional Wrestlers

Posted: Dec 5th 2007 By: CMBurnham

It should come as no surprise that the BCS formula is derived less from the theories of Pythogoras & Einstein and more from the profound teachings of Vince McMahon.

Wait, what?

It's true. Every year we get caught up worrying about complicated formulas and rankings that we fail to see the forest for the trees. Does the BCS have flaws? Of course. Does the BCS make any sense? Not really. Do people still watch? You bet.

Sounds just like professional wrestling. Ironically, the BCS operates in the same illogical fashion, knowing full well that people will always tune in as long as intriguing storylines are played out on national television. Doesn't matter in the least if none of it adds up.

So, just for today, let's try on replica title belts, break out our big boots and bodyslam our wrestling buddies...all while matching this year's football teams to our favourite professional wrestlers.

Oklahoma--Rowdy Roddy Piper

While the Sooners might be more noted for their speed on defence and a timely defeat of Missouri, thier calling card has been team attitude. Just like Piper, they've carried chips on their shoulder all season long. Seriously, they're always angry. And likewise, Oklahoma has traditionally shown propensity to disappear and reappear from generation to generation.

Georgia--The Ultimate Warrior

Hulk Hogan once described the Ultimate Warrior as a "flat" character. Is that not Georgia? Other than a wild touchdown celebration against Florida, the Dawgs have no real defining characteristics. Likewise, they fall short of being THE team to beat in college football, content with going 8-4, 9-3 or 10-2 every seasons.

Hawaii--Papa Shango

Nobody knows a lot about Hawaii. The Warriors come from a faraway land. their culture is different. Their style is exotic. Their accomplishments can't be translated. And they're downright mysterious to the Eastern Standard Time zone. Yet they've still found a way to interfere with the BCS in the same way that Shango once stormed a title match between Hulk Hogan and Sid Justice.

West Virginia--Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Likeable and gimmicky, but grossly unaccomplished, the Mountaineers have garered much fanfare despite no actual accolades throughout their history. None. In fact, you could argue that West Virginia peaked during a failed title bid in 1988, the same year Duggan topped out by winning the Royal Rumble.

Ohio State--Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Has there been a bigger snake in college football this season? Calmly...quietly...the Buckeyes have slithered their way to the top of the polls--not once, but twice--and now have unhinged their jaws and swallowed up a spot in the BCS Championship. The only thing missing from Jim Tressel's neck is Damien, Roberts' giant Burmese python.

LSU--Ric Flair

Thought lacking the platinum hair or "Nature Boy" monicker, LSU has been impossible to kill and college football's ultimate opportunist in 2007, using plenty of risky eye pokes and testicular claws to scrape its way back into contention.

USC--The Undertaker

Though a model for consistency, both USC and The Undertaker took backwards steps in 2007. The similarities were uncanny, as both were significantly hampered by injuries that cost each shots at their respective titles. Still both are main-event worthy, strike fear into the hearts of their opponents and exude a spooky confidence when on the big stage.

Illinois--Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka

The Illini is tough to root against, as was Snuka when he first burst on the professional wrestling scene with his high-flying arsenal of moves. And just as Snuka was crushed by the Undertaker at WrestleMania 7, Illinois will get destroyed by USC (remember, they're the Undertaker) in the 2008 Rose Bowl.

Kansas--Doink the Clown

No matter how hard you tried to rationalise Doink as a legitimate wrestler, he was still a clown. It was impossible to see past that. (You couldn't even take some of his wins seriously...like that time he attacked Crush with a prosthetic arm.) That's been the rub against Kansas this season as well. At the end of the day, the Jayhawks are completely untested and unaccomplished and have never been taken seriously. But they've certainly been amusing.

Virginia Tech--Steve Blackman

Frankly, Virginia Tech is a bland team. There's no glitz or glamour--the Hokies are just kind of there, miraculously third in the latest BCS rankings. But they are a smart team with sound fundamentals and tactics. And just like Blackman, no matter how much you try to talk up their plain attack, it's not exactly a ratings draw. Ho hum.